a word on happiness and vaginas

"happiness exists in giving away what we want the most"
-Eve Ensler (author of vagina monologues)

I've been spending the evening watching TED soaking up and gorging myself on all kinds of clips covering topics like scent, creativity and happiness. Eve's clip hit me the hardest.

As an ardent feminist who found a kinship, connection and laughter in each one of Eve's monologues I was thrilled when I saw her featured on the lecture series. She started off with a monologue and then went into how she herself, through travels and testimonials, became witness to much suffering. However, in spite of the odds that seemed stacked against women and their right to exist in equality, she was inspired. Here, in places where "women's bones are washed up next to broken coke bottle" there were "Vagina Warriors" taking up the sword of justice and the balm of mercy. She cites one example of one lonely women in Africa who took up the call to arms and is fighting, successfully, against the practice of female mutiliation with education and patience.
The human spirit truly is a beautiful thing.

And this is all wonderful, but what really caught me was the quote that Even ended her talk with. It made me ponder my own desires and what it is that I want the most and what it is that must give away in order to achieve this desire.

I went through a list that went something like this:

Freedom
Freedom
Freedom

Oh, and did I mention, Freedom?

The only issue is that I simply cannot fathom how giving that up in any way shape or form could help me to achieve it. I have spent my whole life fighting for it. I have spent hours upon hours in libries, jobs, churches, conversation, internet etc. trying to find, stregthen and secure my freedom.
To be more specific, I want the freedom to choose.
I want the freedom to choose my job, my location, my thoughts, my love.

I even remember as a young child on the school bus telling one of my girlfriends that, "I wanted a good job so that I could make enough money so that I could pick my husband and not care about how much money he made."
Isn't that a bit ridiculous that a child of 12 should be thinking like that?

I abhore the title of "girlfriend" and steer clear of anything that might resemble a relationship beyond friendship. I love my freedom and I hate feeling trapped by the fear that I might hurt someone because I no longer feel "love" for them....which is silly. I will always love anyone, but I may not want to be attached to them. I may want to fly off and be alone for a while. I may want to fly off and be with someone else. I would love to fly back to that person, but the culture we live in dictates that when those ties are broken we must either ignore them or try retying them ...which all seems rather frusterating since they only end up being broken again. Why can't we all just connect with "wireless?"

Anyhoo...that is my thought. That is my dilema. I can't decide what this all means. Should I allow myself to fall into the category of "girlfriend?" I know plenty of men who would like to label me as such (and I know that sounds stuck up, but guys only want a girl until she says "yes") Or, perhaps, giving up my freedom is something a little harder to grasp...so much so, I can't quite put my finger on it.

Hopefully it will come to me.
Until then....