I am so sick of little boys who are too scared to say hello and too scared to let me go. I am so sick of little boys who front like they don't have a care in the world but cry the moment I bump their ego. I am sick of the shallow emptiness of first date conversation. I am tired of saying no and feeling ashamed and guilty for not feeling the same way. I am bored to tears with boys who like to appear smarter, stronger, wiser, more successful than they really are. I don't care. I don't care. I DO NOT care about how much money you make. I DO NOT care about how amazing you are and how you kicked the ass of so and so in a bar one time back in college. Or even worse, I DO NOT care about how you kicked the ass of so and so on the latest computer game! Oh, and please, your supposedly witty and sarcastic comment about the way I look was not funny, it was childish and mean. Are you still in middle school? Have you not learned how to give a genuine original compliment?
God PLEASE I need someone to challenge me!
Every date I go on I feel like I am looking after some five year old and I dread the tantrum, or worse, the moping, at the end of the night when I tell them that they get no treat for their good behavior. I am sick of listening patiently to them stroke their own ego and politely refusing to encourage them by ignoring the fishing line they keep throwing out for compliments.
Are they really all this insecure? This one dimensional?
I need someone to match me in my passion for life. My passion for living. My passion for loving and simply being. It disturbs me that it seems so much of this desire for life fizzled out and died when I left college. I guess it's true that the working man is a dying man. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be around that. I need a fire to feed my fire. I need someone to pique my curiosity.
But more than that, I need someone secure enough in himself so that I too might feel safe. How on earth is love supposed to develop and grow if it at all feels unsafe and exposed to the storms and disasters of life. A bit of shelter is necessary and I am so sick of having to be the one to fix and provide that shelter. I just want to rest. I want to rest from myself and the world, but how can I do that if the one I am supposed to love is nothing more than just another being I have to help breathe?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
a word on happiness and vaginas
"happiness exists in giving away what we want the most"
-Eve Ensler (author of vagina monologues)
I've been spending the evening watching TED soaking up and gorging myself on all kinds of clips covering topics like scent, creativity and happiness. Eve's clip hit me the hardest.
As an ardent feminist who found a kinship, connection and laughter in each one of Eve's monologues I was thrilled when I saw her featured on the lecture series. She started off with a monologue and then went into how she herself, through travels and testimonials, became witness to much suffering. However, in spite of the odds that seemed stacked against women and their right to exist in equality, she was inspired. Here, in places where "women's bones are washed up next to broken coke bottle" there were "Vagina Warriors" taking up the sword of justice and the balm of mercy. She cites one example of one lonely women in Africa who took up the call to arms and is fighting, successfully, against the practice of female mutiliation with education and patience.
The human spirit truly is a beautiful thing.
And this is all wonderful, but what really caught me was the quote that Even ended her talk with. It made me ponder my own desires and what it is that I want the most and what it is that must give away in order to achieve this desire.
I went through a list that went something like this:
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
Oh, and did I mention, Freedom?
The only issue is that I simply cannot fathom how giving that up in any way shape or form could help me to achieve it. I have spent my whole life fighting for it. I have spent hours upon hours in libries, jobs, churches, conversation, internet etc. trying to find, stregthen and secure my freedom.
To be more specific, I want the freedom to choose.
I want the freedom to choose my job, my location, my thoughts, my love.
I even remember as a young child on the school bus telling one of my girlfriends that, "I wanted a good job so that I could make enough money so that I could pick my husband and not care about how much money he made."
Isn't that a bit ridiculous that a child of 12 should be thinking like that?
I abhore the title of "girlfriend" and steer clear of anything that might resemble a relationship beyond friendship. I love my freedom and I hate feeling trapped by the fear that I might hurt someone because I no longer feel "love" for them....which is silly. I will always love anyone, but I may not want to be attached to them. I may want to fly off and be alone for a while. I may want to fly off and be with someone else. I would love to fly back to that person, but the culture we live in dictates that when those ties are broken we must either ignore them or try retying them ...which all seems rather frusterating since they only end up being broken again. Why can't we all just connect with "wireless?"
Anyhoo...that is my thought. That is my dilema. I can't decide what this all means. Should I allow myself to fall into the category of "girlfriend?" I know plenty of men who would like to label me as such (and I know that sounds stuck up, but guys only want a girl until she says "yes") Or, perhaps, giving up my freedom is something a little harder to grasp...so much so, I can't quite put my finger on it.
Hopefully it will come to me.
Until then....
-Eve Ensler (author of vagina monologues)
I've been spending the evening watching TED soaking up and gorging myself on all kinds of clips covering topics like scent, creativity and happiness. Eve's clip hit me the hardest.
As an ardent feminist who found a kinship, connection and laughter in each one of Eve's monologues I was thrilled when I saw her featured on the lecture series. She started off with a monologue and then went into how she herself, through travels and testimonials, became witness to much suffering. However, in spite of the odds that seemed stacked against women and their right to exist in equality, she was inspired. Here, in places where "women's bones are washed up next to broken coke bottle" there were "Vagina Warriors" taking up the sword of justice and the balm of mercy. She cites one example of one lonely women in Africa who took up the call to arms and is fighting, successfully, against the practice of female mutiliation with education and patience.
The human spirit truly is a beautiful thing.
And this is all wonderful, but what really caught me was the quote that Even ended her talk with. It made me ponder my own desires and what it is that I want the most and what it is that must give away in order to achieve this desire.
I went through a list that went something like this:
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
Oh, and did I mention, Freedom?
The only issue is that I simply cannot fathom how giving that up in any way shape or form could help me to achieve it. I have spent my whole life fighting for it. I have spent hours upon hours in libries, jobs, churches, conversation, internet etc. trying to find, stregthen and secure my freedom.
To be more specific, I want the freedom to choose.
I want the freedom to choose my job, my location, my thoughts, my love.
I even remember as a young child on the school bus telling one of my girlfriends that, "I wanted a good job so that I could make enough money so that I could pick my husband and not care about how much money he made."
Isn't that a bit ridiculous that a child of 12 should be thinking like that?
I abhore the title of "girlfriend" and steer clear of anything that might resemble a relationship beyond friendship. I love my freedom and I hate feeling trapped by the fear that I might hurt someone because I no longer feel "love" for them....which is silly. I will always love anyone, but I may not want to be attached to them. I may want to fly off and be alone for a while. I may want to fly off and be with someone else. I would love to fly back to that person, but the culture we live in dictates that when those ties are broken we must either ignore them or try retying them ...which all seems rather frusterating since they only end up being broken again. Why can't we all just connect with "wireless?"
Anyhoo...that is my thought. That is my dilema. I can't decide what this all means. Should I allow myself to fall into the category of "girlfriend?" I know plenty of men who would like to label me as such (and I know that sounds stuck up, but guys only want a girl until she says "yes") Or, perhaps, giving up my freedom is something a little harder to grasp...so much so, I can't quite put my finger on it.
Hopefully it will come to me.
Until then....
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
At the Core People are Good
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ben_dunlap_talks_about_a_passionate_life.html
I really liked his tidbit about the human desire and quest for learning and that it is this zeal to quench the thirst of curiosity that makes life worth living.
Of course, one might argue that's a very western way of thinking (I've been reading Geography of Thought) and that the Easterners have a completely different take on that...as well as the need for personal responsibility and happiness, but whatever. There was a time when I would really try to synthesize all forms of thought into this single mind of mine, but the fact of the matter is that I happen to be a westerner. I was born and raised in Kansas and as a result, I enjoy spending my days asking and contemplating the hows and why's, no matter how impractical or inapplicable they seem.
Woot for curiosity!
I really liked his tidbit about the human desire and quest for learning and that it is this zeal to quench the thirst of curiosity that makes life worth living.
Of course, one might argue that's a very western way of thinking (I've been reading Geography of Thought) and that the Easterners have a completely different take on that...as well as the need for personal responsibility and happiness, but whatever. There was a time when I would really try to synthesize all forms of thought into this single mind of mine, but the fact of the matter is that I happen to be a westerner. I was born and raised in Kansas and as a result, I enjoy spending my days asking and contemplating the hows and why's, no matter how impractical or inapplicable they seem.
Woot for curiosity!
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